I Wish No Memory of You to Return

Excerpt: Journal Entry December 21, 2007
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It bothers me how some emotions just can't die. No matter what you do and no matter how many times you bury these emotions, they keep on resurfacing.

Albeit in a more detached way, I still hurt every time I hear rumors about you. And although I don't exactly know what's true or not anymore from the things that emanate the air of this small garbage of a town, I still try to believe you and buy your side.

Better part of my judgment says I should just ignore them, but the other part says they can't be right, and that I must stand up and prove they lie...

Along with this pain comes the longing to be with you again, albeit vague and fleeting, it is there. These things that I hear makes me want to find you and hug you and let me hear you say differently. It is true that old habits die hard. I've been doing exactly this for the past half of my life and it is not an easy thing to unlearn.

It is quite easy to say that I will not be affected anymore. Fact is, though, that I am. And still I try hard to forget you. The slightest memory of you still makes me miserable. It still makes me dwell in the memories of the might've beens that I threw out of my window. I still remember every inch of your body that I painstakingly memorized, one part at a time in interval of years. And the thought of you still brings to mind every scent I have sniffed; of that old cologne that you never changed, that only shampoo that worked for you that you can't use any other brand, the
tiny traces of the scent of your mouth and lips that fill my nostrils every time you exhale the breath that once meant everything to me, through you weird crooked smile that I always longed to put on your face that I never seemed to have any success with - they still haunt me.

No matter what I do, I can't shake these things off my head. But it doesn't mean that I still love you. It only means that you scarred my soul so deeply and yet so sweetly that my soul no longer knows whether to love or hate you. You just remain as a ghost that scares and confuses me every time the thought of what we had crosses my mind. You stay there, unforgotten yet uninvited. And that's how you'll stay. A fragment of an unwanted past that will never have a hold of the present.

The place I once I enshrined for you that you repeatedly abandoned is now warmly occupied by another. Our beginnings may not be as romantic as what we had, but our bitterness aren't as bitter, and our sweets ten times as much.

No matter how miserable your memory makes me feel and no matter how many times, her smile always washes you away, sending you back where you can do no harm. She showed me a life that we could have only dreamed of. We shared memories that we could never create. We lived where the two of us died and we thrived where the two of us failed. We achieved what we deemed impossible simply by her giving in where you refused.

Whereas you refused to believe me, she did. Whereas you refused to trust me, she closed her eyes and held my hand. Whereas you refused to make me feel loved, she embraced me like she would never let go. We cried as the two of us did, but we never cried alone. One is always there for the other, where the two of us decided to part.

The breath that I breathe in now is much too sweet that the scent of your mouth that I once thought as perfume now seems stale. It is a breath that is so light to inhale, devoid of guilty pains and doubts and aches that you used to exhale.

You are my sweetest downfall, but nevertheless a downfall you are that is ten times as painful as it is sweet. A downfall that I'd rather forget but simply can not.

I have found a better life that what we had, one that we haved only dreamed of. And with it a woman that you can never even be half of.

I wish no memory of you to return.