Matters of (Non)Seriousity

First, some drops of nonsense.

I actually have (well, it's still theoretical but greater scientific consensus believe so that it is) a neurological illness that causes me so much pain at the moment. Coincidentally, it is also good alibi for all the things i might (and might not) say. What makes it better is that it is 4 o'clock in the morning and I am nowhere near any drugstore to buy a temporary cure. I don't know what the deal is but these attacks are getting more and more (and more) frequent over the past month and I can't help but (really) be alarmed because of the (maybe non-existent) progress that this illness is making; as recently, phonophobia (seems) to get the best out of me and causes (unnecessary) (and stupid) quarrels between me and my (quite literally, as she really is) better half. Add to that the (growing) pain somewhere in my midsection, probably caused by ulcer(s), but comparably it's not even half as bad (not even an eighth) of the pulsating, throbbing pain in my head right now, so I don't really mind, much more so because a pain in the stomach is a (very) lame alibi for all these things than a neurological illness. I'm not a hypochondriac, but am also not one to ignore my (general) health, so I'd probably heed the advice of the one to many doctors that (I'm soon going to have) in my family and buy some medicine (when (and if) I have some money) and hope for the better. And as it seems, my mind's running triple time and I'd have to drain all these buzz in this little text box as they only seem to make matters worse. And this paragraph is (probably) one of the longest I have written (in this blog).

First stop, I had a (not so) wonderful revelation. Not everyone is given the chance to see what [forever] (link removed) is, and you might agree. If you are one of my (very few, but select) friends, you might want to (re)reconsider before you click that link. Yes. Really. Reconsider. Or better yet don't, (but if you insist, you might need a friendster account to view it). If this is what forever looks like, hell yes, let me die right now (but no, please don't). I'm not (usually) as evil as this seems but my neurological illness (see above) dictates that I should be so. And come to think of it, I still (somewhat) hate (but then again, hate is much too strong a word to use) that guy(?). 'Mind you, this is a colloquial joke and does not intend to offend the gay community or anyone (except probably the guys in the picture). (Luckily this page gets visited by very few people, so I generally think I won't be in trouble for actually posting this. But if I do, who cares really? This is my blog and let's just pretend I'm a conservative critic so you won't hate me.)

While trudging my path to forever, I noticed a little inconsistency in the threads of social-space continuum (and yeah, that IS corny). I find it funny (and somewhat intriguing) that this friend of mine, who is a self-proclaimed antisocial, non-conformist turns out to have more friendster friends (and probably real ones too) than I do. How is that even possible? If she's antisocial, then what does make me? (Oh, well, probably a friendster reject.) (I was supposed to put a very interesting link that explains what a friendster reject is but I can't find it, so, yeah.)

** I interrupt this blog post to watch GateKeepers. Will be back in a moment. **

Hey, guess what, I'm back, head still aching from this neurological illness (which is a real good alibi) after watching the 9th episode of GateKeepers. I used to love this animé way back when I was in high school, and watching it again makes me feel like half a decade younger(apparently because of its childish plot and characters), so I don't mind if it takes forever (currently 92hrs) (and no! not that forever!) to download these episodes.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. -Frank L. Visco

Now that all these things are out of the way, I could finally give some processing time to more serious thoughts that have long been running through my mind, and I think this sudden buzz that I have is a good time to think these things over. But as it seems to me right now, they don't even seem to need to be thought over anymore. Right decisions seems clear. I'd just have to write them down as a final action to convince my self that these in fact are the right decisions.

I've decided to take shelter. It's just been one and half year since I decided to go out and face life on my own, and now I'm going back. It didn't seem like a good idea, and honestly, it still doesn't sound all too good to me, as going back rhymes with failure in my book. And failure is a word that is very hard to pronounce and a very hard thing to chew and swallow for a proud bull like me. I want my own pasture. I want my own grass. Along with its fences and flowers and streams and shade. But lately there's nothing but famine and drought. I have been dry. Financially, creatively, socially, disciplinarily. All dry. All that's left is love. And this love nudges me back gently. It doesn't force me to go back, but reminds me patiently that there is no other option but to bow down my horns and unflare my nostrils. I have to go back because I don't grow anymore. I'm doing the total opposite of what I set out to do. Just as how Philosophy flourished when men were rich and comfortable, I could never accomplish anything while I'm raw and striving just to hardly provide for myself.

But retreat is never surrender. It is preparation for a bigger fight that I hopefully would win. I would have all the time to do the things that I need to do and learn the things I want to learn, all the while depending on a pasture that is not mine. I'd have to live with the troubles of sharing, which I dread. And I do hope that I hold out. And after that, my own pasture, again. Only that time, better and more stable, with lots of shade and stronger streams, with a stronger and more confident bull guarding its boundary that could raise his horns up high.

That would be in a month or two. I'm getting tired of this place anyway. I'm just alone most of the time and I only sink in to depression. And there aren't any visitors anymore as there used to.

This is the right decision.

And if you've ever given thought to anything I've writ, I value your opinion so please take a minute to write them down and leave them here.

And suddenly, my neurological illness stops.