I feel weary. Uneasy. For the longest time I have been spending my Christmases alone. All the past eight of them. I no longer have the desire to be with anyone during yuletide season. What once was a painful resign to loneliness is now a calm and peaceful acceptance of a ritualistic isolation. There are no Christmas trees, no decors, no mistletoe to kiss someone beneath it. Just the silence of my own breath, and the beat of my heart devoid of desire to mingle and eat good food and of merry making.
I have established my own Christmas spirit. A spirit that protects me from the joyous energy emanating from everyone. A spirit that leaves me be, shields me and enables me to find peace despite being alone. And by the 23rd, this spirit is at its peak, just as the excitement of most starts to become annoyingly high.
And now suddenly, people will appear knocking against my door saying "Hey, let's celebrate Christmas together." I can't feel excitement anymore. I can't say, "My, oh my, that would be wondrously joyous!" I can't. Not a single bit of excitement pushes me to move. My Christmas spirit is far too strong to be nudged by the possibility of companionship and steer me away from the Christmas that I have known and learned to embrace. It's that time of year that I am certain that I am myself. A self reproving season, the only one time that I know I am fine by myself. There is no desire at all to leave the comforts of solitude. Not a single thread of excitement.
This Christmas might not be one that I would enjoy.
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